Suddenly Single

In the past there have been a rules placed on those of us who found ourselves single once again.  In today’s society there is a new enlightened view on singleness that does not compare to the outlook of past generations. As always with new enlightenments come new rules.   This is all uncharted water but the good news is you don’t have to stay in the house any longer and it is okay for your kids to play with the neighbor’s.  In this age of technology you can find a date, order pizza and plan your child’s birthday bash all in your pajamas while watching another episode of your favorite sitcom.  Courting has been replaced with chatting online and dinner and a movie has been replaced with coffee (just in case you need a quick escape from the new date you found while chatting).  So for those of you like me; who never dreamed you would find yourself “suddenly single” in what is a much coupled world:

 1.  It is okay to throw yourself a “Suddenly Single” shower.  This is a time you can relax and have friends over to celebrate the fact that you have a brand new life beginning. Yes, it is true that this means you are no longer married, however; it also means that you have the opportunity to start something new and fresh.  So, break out the party platters and open the presents because you are going to be okay.

2.  After the party is over plan a vacation - it may take ten years for it to happen, but start planning one.  This will give you something to look forward to so you feel like part of the world and also give you something to write about when you create your online web page.

3.  Online dating is a great tool if you use it safely.  You have no idea if the other person is telling you the truth.  Don’t answer adds that say “Looking for a mama for my 6 kids,” “if you can cook you are the girl for me,” “looking for a person that owns a house and has a good job” (this probably means they are leach) and “less than perfect need not apply” (this person needs a therapist).  There are a ton of sites where you can find a date; but sometimes the good old fashion way is fun -  church, social events, your child’s best friends “suddenly single” parent that could be a great catch, or even volunteering with other singles for a good cause.  Stay away from newly released from prison, only has 15 years left on parole, someone only looking for a discreet encounter, and the one that says they are not sure if the divorce is final or not.

4.  It is ok for your kids to play sports and for you to go to the games alone.  Look at it this way: you will fit in because 50% of the other parents are in the same boat and they are missing a paddle too. So, go enjoy your kids being kids, and you will make your children feel like they are the most important people to you and they should always feel that way even if you do start dating the cute head coach from the opposing team. J

5.  Rent something that is reasonable.  Remember there is only one salary and bills will come out of it. There is no reason to live in a house that just acts as a storage unit for you because you have to work four jobs to afford it and never see it.  Always remember the bigger the house the more there is to clean.  So, rent something you can afford and hire a maid.  You deserve it.

6.  Hopefully most of your circle of friends will stay pretty much the same, but you want to make new friends that didn’t “know you when.”  The memory lane needs to be closed for reconstruction, so it is best to keep people around you who don’t always want to talk about the past. Learn from the past so it won’t repeat itself because your friends will get sick of buying “Suddenly Single” gifts after a while.

7.  Get into a good singles group at a church or social club.  This will help you meet people and also keep you from becoming the crazy person at the end of the block all the kids are scared of as they walk to school.  If you have kids it will also help their social life if you aren’t deemed crazy, and socializing will help with the overwhelming feeling you will have occasionally (everyday) when you feel the world is crashing in on you.

8.  When you have that “my world is crashing in on me” feeling, call a friend and talk it out.  Most of us worry about things that will never happen, so if you talk it out you can hear what is actually going on in that brain of yours and you achieve world peace (at least for the moment in your world).

9.  Shopping is good but not always the answer.  Yes, the new shoes with matching purse and outfit would make you feel incredible, but you really need to pay the rent so you have a place to keep all the other things you are going to buy to make yourself feel better.  Stay on your budget and remember you have only one income and eating is not optional but shoes are.

10. There is no reason you can’t have a career, take care of your kids, go to soccer, girl scouts, volunteer at church, visit your friends, and be okay with not being an “us”.   Some days you might feel like you can’t go, on but I promise you that there will be a day when you will sit back and say, “I did it and I am proud of me.”  Keep your chin up and walk proudly into that office in the shoes you just glued the heel back on for one more wear just because they are the perfect shoes for that outfit and remember it is ok to be “suddenly single” in the 21st century and thank goodness it is not your mama’s world any more.