Life as I knew it has changed...

Stumbling through this past year so much has happened...there is not enough paper to go into great detail but I will say change is not always a good or bad thing it is just what it is...change. I can report that my couponing abilities have gotten much better but just as I got the hang of it some of the stores went and changed the rules on me...what is up with that? In the midst of "mastering" this art of couponing, having two 16 year olds, and a toddler.... I found out I was pregnant with my fourth and final child....SURPRISE! August 29th I welcomed my precious, Levi Anthony, to the world, he is blessing I didn't even know I needed.  Life is always evolving but with the mercy and grace of God I dance through it...may be the chicken dance but a dance non the less!

Charity – Gift or Greed

**Something I wrote several years ago**

In this modern day of corporate society one would think that charity would begin at home.  Unfortunately this is not the case and charity is no longer a gift but an act of greed wrapped in pretty green paper and a silver bow. It is appalling to hear the measures corporations will take for a tax write off all in the name of good will.  There are companies who donate money to charity in the name of employees but never considered the needs of those employees and their families.   How many decision makers stopped to think of the employees they see everyday, the people who spend more time at the office than with their families, and go above and beyond the call of duty so they can provide a living for their family.  As a employee working for one of these companies it saddens me to think that I am apart of a society that believes it is ok to send money to people they have never met when they look at people everyday who are worried about how to make ends meet.   It would be great to think that because you work for a well known corporation you are well taken care of but that is not always the case.  Corporate America has figured it out; it is not only taking advantage of the employees but taking their tax deductions also.  So, I ask you; is charity really charity if only to gain a deduction on your taxes at someone else’s expense?  Don’t get me wrong there are great charities and it was a great gesture, however; I believe I speak for a large majority of people when I tell you it would have better to have received nothing from my company  than to receive a notice of how many dollars the company was donating to charity on my behalf but nothing for my family.  During this holiday season take note of the people around you because there are starving children in the world but they could be as close as the children that belong to the man or woman sitting in the cube beside you.  Charity can only truly be charity when it begins at home and then grows.   

Another Day…..

The following is from a column I write in a midevel newsletter: 

February 18, 1628

Emma’s life showed very little promise of change or progression but she is proud of her modest and simple life. Emma Kent sits quietly reflecting on the day prior and pondering the day ahead. It is 2:30 in the morning; fortunately she has an hour before she would wake anyone up. She thinks about how much she has to get accomplished as yesterday was a busy day but she was only able to get two dresses made.  As she listens to the silence she is relieved that breakfast is almost done and that will leave a few hours to get the house cleaned before starting lunch.  Just as many of her friends Emma has seven kids and expecting another in the spring which is a challenge all its own.  At six months pregnant it’s hard for her to carry those water buckets and her kids are all but helpful these days with chores.  The daily challenges alone are hard but to know they need new shoes but can’t afford it this year adds to the pressure of this young mother.  This bitter cold weather has made it hard for her husband, John Kent, to get work, he is barely making enough to feed the family and keep enough fabric for Emma to make their clothes. So much for her to think about and now the new baby coming bringing the family count to ten where the money will come from for shoes and food hopefully this spring John will get work, is all she can think.  She is exhausted and would love to just lie down but endless chores to do will not allow for such.  So, as she clears her thoughts she slowly makes her way out of the chair to go wake everyone up and clean the kitchen, mind some clothes, take lunch over to Sabia and her family, clean up, gather wood, and get ready to make dinner for her family.  Emma shakes her head and prays rest will come someday.

Emma returned home from Sabia’s house and takes a few minutes to sit quietly with thoughts racing through her mind she feels so much sorrow for her friend. Sabia Preston, Emma’s life long friend, lost of her husband and son to the cruel bitter winter.  Who would have known the coldest day of the year would be two days ago and they just couldn’t stay warm. She sits there in the midst of chaos and just thinks about how it could have been John and her boys. She is thankful the girls will be safe because she can keep the fire going but all she can do is pray that everyone will stay well and not fall sick.  Emma realizes how late it has gotten and now has to decide what is for dinner, not that there are many options, but something has to be made.   

Dinner is finally done and the house is back in order and everyone is settling in for the night, Emma hopes there is enough wood for the fire tonight.  John tells her everything is going to be okay and spring is just around the corner and all she can do shake her head and kiss him good night as the tears roll down her tired face.

Answers Needed

How did I get to this place in my life?  Where did all this turmoil inside of me come from? How can I let the people from my church affect me so dramatically? Gossip, greed, envy, hatred, and strife…….doesn’t God see what is going on? I have tried to live for Him.  I have tried to be the person He created me to be but is it really worth it? I go to church every opportunity, I am involved in everything I can, and I look around at all these “church” people who say such great things but live such different lives.  Why does it have to be so hard? Church is not the place for me besides what is the point? 

I’m not going back!! The only thing that I get is a hard time and the last thing I need is more hard times.  Life is crazy enough without adding all of this drama to it.  I really thought this church would be different; I could go and not have to “deal” with all these problems.  They don’t want my kids in the youth group because they are rowdy….well, what do they expect with 4 boys? Boys are rowdy. I see the other children disrespecting their parents and it just seems to be acceptable.  The women talk about each other then hug and pretend like they love each other.  The men leave everything up to their wives to do because they don’t want the responsibility or inconvenience of being the leader. Worship service is great and the music is beautiful so how can they praise the Lord when they don’t live for him outside the doors? The pastor is incredible and speaks the truth, how can they not listen to what God is saying through him? So many question……no answers.  I don’t need church if this is how it is going to be; I can serve God from my living room in my pj’s and slippers and won’t have to deal with all the production.  If I don’t feel safe at church where am I suppose to feel safe?  I need the answers……God, please show me the answers.

NO MORE STONES

Oh, how I love Sunday!!! It is the day I get to go worship and spend the day with my family.  It hasn’t always been like this for me.  Most Sunday’s I tried to find a reason not to go or an excuse big enough that enabled me to slip in late and leave early. 

Throughout my life I have created so many things that I can’t begin to tell you about them all.  There have been clothes for your computer, monster spray (that someone else marketed and sold years later for quite a sum), toilet tattoos, and my all time favorite sibling separator.  I know you are thinking that those sound like great inventions that should have made me rich by now but I am still waiting….I know I am just a few more “no’s” to my final “yes this is what we have been looking for.”

My mom always told me that necessity is the mother of invention.  I did not know how true that was until I got much older.  Aside from my other great inventions; I have invented some things that enabled me to survive some of the hardest times in my life.  These things took time to develop and cultivate into the perfect armor around me.  It didn’t happen all at once so the battle scares came but with every battle scare there was a determination in me to build the most weather proof armor ever known to man kind.  I have kept some mementos for just this occasion. 

These buckets, oh these beautiful buckets, were originally filled with hopes, dreams, ideas, and faith.  I took so much time to decorate them so precisely that there was no mistaking these buckets for anyone’s but mine.  I was so proud of them and so looking forward to what the future held and what God had for me. 

This cape, I made this cape to protect me from the weather if I were to ever get to go witness during a storm.  It is durable and of course stylish, you couldn’t buy a more wonderful cape.

Then you have this shield, it once looked like a Bible, it was given to me when I graduated from High School.  I was so proud of this beautiful pink Bible and I just knew I would do great things for my Savior; I would win the world and decorate it all at the same time.

Then I grew up and realized that life isn’t made up of pink diamonds and well intentioned people.  I always thought everyone had everyone else’s best interest at heart.  It wasn’t long before my heart was broken.  That began the journey of lost hope, crushed dreams, misguided ideas, and lack of faith.  You see these things that I held in my buckets I let go of and replaced them with the stones the world threw at me.  These stones of self doubt, fear, hopelessness, gossip, lies, deceit, and many hard years caring the weight of all of these things were all I had left.  I even learned to throw the stones back.  I did still have my cape but I found myself using it to hide and shelter me instead of a covering from the weather while I witnessed to the lost. The Bible I once carried so proudly had gotten lost somewhere in the middle of this shield I hold to block the stones of Satan and the world.  How did I ever get here?  Where did God go during all of this time? Was He just watching me in amusement?

One Sunday I decided it was time to back to church….unsure of how those people would receive me and accept me; I put on my cape, grabbed my shield, and a bucket in each hand (making sure and have plenty of extra stones just in case I needed a few if you know what I mean) I made my way back.  I sat there amazed at the realization that I had only been hiding.  I couldn’t see the world, that had been so unkind, and they couldn’t see me.  All of the things that God created in me were still there but I didn’t have room for them among all the negative and hurtful stones I had chosen to replace them with. I just had to let go of the things that were of no consequence and allow God to heal the wounds all those stones had caused so He could fill my buckets up with the lost hopes, dreams, and faith; take the hood off my cape so I could see the world, and pull the layers of neglect off of my beautiful pink Bible. It has been a struggle and a process to let go of all the negative things that weighed me down but one stone at a time I give them to the Lord and He is faithful to continue His work in me to completion.  I am not there yet but I can tell you where I am now offers freedom like I have never known.  I have no more stones to throw it is time we all lay them down.  

Gotta Love Monday's

I don't know about anyone else but Mondays in my world are all but calm.  It all started at 3:00 a.m. when I wake up to my oldest son yelling at me that my daughter had been calling me for awhile....She was SICK, typically sick would be no big deal we would just deal with it and go back to bed but not today. Evidently she had food poisoning and wanted to share with me exactly how badly she was feeling.  I go into the bathroom where she is and there she sits, she is 15 years old and I am not very sure what I am suppose to do at that point except get her medicine, calm her down, and try to get her back in her bed.  After about 25 minutes of coaxing she is back in bed and calm, I am thinking I would get the bathroom cleaned up and get back to bed for a few more hours of sleep but of course that wasa not in the plan for me today.  I am in the middle of cleaning up the mess, mind you I have never had a weak stomach, and it hits me so the mess I was cleaning up just multiplied 10 fold.  In the middle of my crisis my oldest son comes in the bathroom and says "Mom, can you please keep it down I am trying to sleep" in which I reply "Sure, I will try and be sick a little quieter." By then my 9 month old baby has decided he wants to play and if you know much about 9 month old babies they don't like to play alone.  So, I have my 15 year old daughter who was back resting peacefully upset and crying because she doesn't feel good, my 15 year old son who was asleep upset and yelling because of all the noise, my 9 month old  yelling because no one is talking to him, me in the bathroom trying to be sick quietly, and my husband snoring through the whole thing.  A little while later everyone, except me, is in bed sound asleep so I lay down and as I doze off my husband says "Honey, what was all that noise about? Is everything ok?" If you know anything about me this is the point I want to smoother him with his pillow but I don't I reply calmly "Yes, everything is fine I just need to go back to sleep" but no sooner than the words come out of my mouth the phone rings and the nanny is at the door.....I am so thankful there is only one Monday per week!

Masks

Ahhhhh! Alone at last

I can finally breathe!

These masks are so smothering but I can’t imagine life without them.

You see, I have created a mask for every personality that will suit any situation or occasion.

Oh Yes, they are quite beautiful, it is amazing what you can do with a bedazzler. 

I even have hats to match but that is a whole other story!

The masks enable me to make everyone happy but I get so tired of pretending.

I wonder if there will ever be a time that I can just be me.

The other day I was reading in the Bible about sisters, I love stories about sisters, Mary and Martha….. I don’t think they wore masks.  For some reason they lived their lives as if just being their selves were acceptable.

What is even more unbelievable is Jesus was a friend of theirs and He accepted them just as they were.

I would so love to talk to Jesus just as me.

I have been working on a mask for that conversation since 1990 and hopefully soon it will be finished.

There are things about me that He wouldn’t like so as soon as I finish developing the mask we are going to have a great chat.

Well, back to Mary and Martha…

Not only did they talk to Him….He talked to them.

He knew details about their personality that most people would never know.

Take Martha for instance, she was probably very organized and in charge but people probably didn’t know that if you tell her a story you should limit it to bullet points.  Martha didn’t like nor did she want all the fluff she just wanted facts and Jesus knew this so when he saw her He spoke to her in a way she would understand.  Jesus was very brief and to the point.

Then you have Mary, who probably was flighty like me and didn’t care to organize anything but people probably didn’t know that if they were going to tell her something and just had bullet points/facts she would think they were mad at her.  So, Jesus knew that about her too and when He saw her he embraced her and gave her every fluffy detail because He knew that is what she would need.

It makes me stop and think….How would that feel? How would I act to have someone know me so well and love me in spite of all my quirkiness?

Looking up…..

  Hello? Lord, is that you?

OH WOW IT IS YOU…..

Ummmmm, can you stay right here for, like, 20 minutes and I will be right back? No?

But Lord, I have to run get my mask, it isn’t completed but I promise you will love it.  What? I don’t understand…I don’t need it? If you only truly knew me you would want me to run get it. Oh yes, I remember that You made me.

Psalms 139:14 I will praise Thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are Thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Lord, I don’t know who I am suppose to be or what personality to portray without my mask, I want to be pleasing to you so I will just run get it.  This is so uncomfortable.  I want to talk to you too.  You want me to do what?  You want me to give you my masks? All of them?  Well, Lord, if you need a mask I can make you one I will just need some hot glue, more beads for the bedazzler, ribbon, and….I will need to know what image want to portray?

Isaiah 1:5

Before I formed you in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

 Genesis 1:27 KJV So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Oh, I remember hearing about that….I am made in Your image….but I have been creating who others want me to be for so many years I don’t know how to be any different. I don’t know how to just be me, my masks define me….Oh, Yes you should define me.  What if I make a mistake?  "He who began a good work in you is faithful and just to complete it"

Me, you will finish the work you started in me? Are you sure you have the right address because no one has ever liked just me.  No, you don’t make mistakes.  I do trust you! You want me to be the me you created not the me I decorated?  I am not sure how this is going to work.

Martha and Mary are just two examples of the acceptance of our Lord.  Someday, wouldn’t it be great if someone were to look back on my life and say “Wow, how great to live your life in the freedom Jesus gives”

“I am so uncertain of me but Lord, I give you all of my masks…. I give you all of me.  Decorate and create the person you would have me be.”

Suddenly Single

In the past there have been a rules placed on those of us who found ourselves single once again.  In today’s society there is a new enlightened view on singleness that does not compare to the outlook of past generations. As always with new enlightenments come new rules.   This is all uncharted water but the good news is you don’t have to stay in the house any longer and it is okay for your kids to play with the neighbor’s.  In this age of technology you can find a date, order pizza and plan your child’s birthday bash all in your pajamas while watching another episode of your favorite sitcom.  Courting has been replaced with chatting online and dinner and a movie has been replaced with coffee (just in case you need a quick escape from the new date you found while chatting).  So for those of you like me; who never dreamed you would find yourself “suddenly single” in what is a much coupled world:

 1.  It is okay to throw yourself a “Suddenly Single” shower.  This is a time you can relax and have friends over to celebrate the fact that you have a brand new life beginning. Yes, it is true that this means you are no longer married, however; it also means that you have the opportunity to start something new and fresh.  So, break out the party platters and open the presents because you are going to be okay.

2.  After the party is over plan a vacation - it may take ten years for it to happen, but start planning one.  This will give you something to look forward to so you feel like part of the world and also give you something to write about when you create your online web page.

3.  Online dating is a great tool if you use it safely.  You have no idea if the other person is telling you the truth.  Don’t answer adds that say “Looking for a mama for my 6 kids,” “if you can cook you are the girl for me,” “looking for a person that owns a house and has a good job” (this probably means they are leach) and “less than perfect need not apply” (this person needs a therapist).  There are a ton of sites where you can find a date; but sometimes the good old fashion way is fun -  church, social events, your child’s best friends “suddenly single” parent that could be a great catch, or even volunteering with other singles for a good cause.  Stay away from newly released from prison, only has 15 years left on parole, someone only looking for a discreet encounter, and the one that says they are not sure if the divorce is final or not.

4.  It is ok for your kids to play sports and for you to go to the games alone.  Look at it this way: you will fit in because 50% of the other parents are in the same boat and they are missing a paddle too. So, go enjoy your kids being kids, and you will make your children feel like they are the most important people to you and they should always feel that way even if you do start dating the cute head coach from the opposing team. J

5.  Rent something that is reasonable.  Remember there is only one salary and bills will come out of it. There is no reason to live in a house that just acts as a storage unit for you because you have to work four jobs to afford it and never see it.  Always remember the bigger the house the more there is to clean.  So, rent something you can afford and hire a maid.  You deserve it.

6.  Hopefully most of your circle of friends will stay pretty much the same, but you want to make new friends that didn’t “know you when.”  The memory lane needs to be closed for reconstruction, so it is best to keep people around you who don’t always want to talk about the past. Learn from the past so it won’t repeat itself because your friends will get sick of buying “Suddenly Single” gifts after a while.

7.  Get into a good singles group at a church or social club.  This will help you meet people and also keep you from becoming the crazy person at the end of the block all the kids are scared of as they walk to school.  If you have kids it will also help their social life if you aren’t deemed crazy, and socializing will help with the overwhelming feeling you will have occasionally (everyday) when you feel the world is crashing in on you.

8.  When you have that “my world is crashing in on me” feeling, call a friend and talk it out.  Most of us worry about things that will never happen, so if you talk it out you can hear what is actually going on in that brain of yours and you achieve world peace (at least for the moment in your world).

9.  Shopping is good but not always the answer.  Yes, the new shoes with matching purse and outfit would make you feel incredible, but you really need to pay the rent so you have a place to keep all the other things you are going to buy to make yourself feel better.  Stay on your budget and remember you have only one income and eating is not optional but shoes are.

10. There is no reason you can’t have a career, take care of your kids, go to soccer, girl scouts, volunteer at church, visit your friends, and be okay with not being an “us”.   Some days you might feel like you can’t go, on but I promise you that there will be a day when you will sit back and say, “I did it and I am proud of me.”  Keep your chin up and walk proudly into that office in the shoes you just glued the heel back on for one more wear just because they are the perfect shoes for that outfit and remember it is ok to be “suddenly single” in the 21st century and thank goodness it is not your mama’s world any more. 

Are we there Yet?

My Solitude

Life of isolation creates this wall

Years of pain cause me to fall

Struggles never seem to end

Loneliness engulfs every night I spend

Emotions of loss ever so clear

Empty sound is all I hear

Please find me in this silence I long to escape

Embrace me in a way that proves I am safe

God Is With Us Here

A beacon of hope

May our hearts be

Reflecting His light

So the world may see

 God is with us here

 Feel the Embrace

His whisper of Grace

He holds us near

We have no fear

 For God is with us here

 God is with us here

God is with us, come, draw near

In His grace our faith is found

God is here, His love abounds

(A song I co-wrote with Michael Arnett our praise and worship leader)

The What Ifs?

Love, Lust, Crushes, Dating, Marriage and Romance are all subjects that everyone has an opinion on. Should we talk to this person? Do they like me? Am I worthy of someone like this or that? Could they like someone like me? Am I cute enough? Am I tall enough? And the list goes on and the analysis of us goes on and on. The questions are different for everyone but we all have those "questions". It is so fun to think about what "could" be or what we "want" but do we ever get to a point where we totally accept the person God has made us and realize that the person He has for us is going to love us exactly where we are when we meet them? Throughout our lives we doubt who we are and what we deserve but God wants the very best for us so we should want the same thing. If He puts a desire in you there is a reason for it. Is that desire to help you grow, learn or develop a testimony for Him. God tells us that if we delight ourselves in Him then He will give us the desires of our heart. Does that mean He is going to give you everything you want? Probably not but if we are delighting in Him our desires are going to change and be more reflective of what He wants for us. Does He want us to experience the everyday crushes or the feeling of love at first sight? Absolutely, He created these emotions and He loves the fact that we are searching for His will within these emotions and asking the question What would Jesus do? Or Is it ok to tell someone how I really feel? Is it lying if I don’t tell them? Should I just wait to find out how they feel? All of this helps us to blossom the person He made us and in the process we realize what He wants us to do in every situation. So, as we go through this process of singleness be thankful for the "What if" questions and the "Imagine if" dreams because when it finally happens and it is a gift from our Father it will be so much more than we could have ever suspected.

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart

Psalms 37:4

When is enough really enough?

There are relationships that take all different forms and go many different directions.  So, how do you know when to let go and when to hang on with all of your might?  I look back on relationships from my past and I see people that I thought were my friends but where did they go when things got tough, a blinding love that seemed endless just unraveled in a matter of days (or maybe it was years and I just didn't realize it), and then the true friend (if you are fortunate maybe two) that sees all of your flaws and still would rather laugh with you or cry with you because of all the hurt.  Sometimes we choose not to see truth about relationships for fear that they will be over but realistically when is it okay to let go and let enough be enough.  The journey of "suddenly single" could not have begun if there were just you.  It takes two people to have a relationship and it takes those same two people to destroy that relationship.  I ask you, when is enough fighting enough?  When is enough anger enough?  When is your bitterness enough that you can let go and truly begin the journey that will get you to that wonderful place of feeling alive again?  There have been many times in my life that I wanted to hold on so tightly to my idea of what I wanted my relationship(s) to look like that the reality of it should have been enough to make me realize there was nothing left to hold.   So as you go through this day I just want to encourage you that sometimes the best thing for you and the people in your life is to just let go and let enough be enough.

Thought for the day:  The darkest moment of your life is the moment before you see that long awaited light at the end of the tunnel. 

Win, Lose, or Draw???

Game nights at my house always seem fun and I look forward to the weekend so me and my kids can enjoy a game together.  I don't know how it is that I forget that every game night in the history of game nights at my house end in disaster and someone upset or angry.  My kids are great and they are very competitive but I don't know if you know much about twins but each one of them are convinced their way is the right way not matter what the rules state.  As you can guess the way they are thinking causes nothing but havic and not so much fun at my house on game night.......what was I thinking?  When you think of playing games you think of exciting fun and a great time together, however; there is a game that started for me years ago called separation and divorce that I wish I would have never learned how to play.  Are our children just pawns in this horrific game of battle we play with our ex spouses?  When do we go from acting like children playing a game with their sibling to adults who make unselfish right choices just because it is the right thing to for their children?  There have been many years I have gotten caught up in this game that sucks you in like an addiction. In the midst of it, all you want to do is win but is it really about winning if you are destroying the children you are suppose to love so much?  It is time for the adults in all of these situations to ask themselves the question "Do I want what I want because it is what is best for my children or do I want what I want because it is what is best for me?"  Take time on this journey to evaluate why you do what you do and make sure that your intentions are right and children's best interests are at heart. 

Just a reminder:  That person that you want to cut to the core is the same person that you loved so dearly you wanted to spend forever with.  So, tonight as you are thinking of the next right move to make in the game you are playing put the pieces of the game away and just give each other room to make their way on the journey that they did not expect to be on either.